All The Things She Said
by Soleil666
Summary: Stand Alone : Alec's Angst on the eve of someone's big day..pls R & R..If there's grammar mistakes, sorry I kinda suck at the differences in present tense etc. oh and the song belongs to TATU


Disclaimer : DA isn't mine..if it's mine I would kill Logan earlier on in Season 2 and dress Alec always in a blue towel.

All The Things She Said

In the darkness of the living room, a silhouette of a man sitting in an armchair that has seen better days could be seen; brooding over a glass of scotch. His features could barely be made out – not without the aid of night goggle or a pair transgenic eye. He had drawn the curtains close but slivers of light from the street lamp still managed to stubbornly shine thru where the curtains didn't meet. But just barely..light bulbs just aren't what they used to be in a post-Pulse Seattle.

The figure drained his drink in one gulp and his left hand automatically reached for the bottle next to him on the battered and chipped table and poured himself another drink...Trying desperately to get himself drunk to forget all the unpleasant memories of then and now. He would gladly give up all the money he's managed to stash in the floorboard of his bedroom for a sip of water from the fountain-of-forgetful-ness..Too bad there was no such thing..Scotch was the next best thing..

Here's to my two best friends – Oblivion and Forgetful-ness..May you live long and prosper..he raised his glass to in mock salute; a twisted smile on his face and proceeded to gulp the drink down. The Trekkies would kill him for defiling such a sacred classic line… Chalk it up to another thing that's he's managed to defile with his very existence. Well, boys – take a number and wait your turn.

Hmmm..gotta have a heart to heart talk with Marco about his 'shipment'..it's definitely watered down. That no-good lying prick!! How else do you explain why it's next to impossible to get drunk tonight..he'd already had 5 bottles of Scotch..His hand reached out to the now half empty 6th bottle and poured another drink.

Being drunk is a blessing achieved only after drinking bottle after bottle of the finest Scotch your best contact can score. With drunkenness came oblivion..you can't think if you're too drunk to even piss in the cup. It's true what people say, 'Ignorance is Bliss', even if the said ignorance is only for a night and comes with a heavy price. It was a price he'd gladly pay – hell he'd gladly suffer hangover everyday if it meant that he could lock his demons away for the night.

How the hell did this happen to me? Why didn't I see it coming?.. The silent figure dropping the glass and clutching his head with both hands; rocking back and forth in the musty armchair.

All the things she said 

_All the things she said_

_Running through my head_

_.."because he's a cold-blooded, opportunistic show-off who thought he could run his game on a major bad guy, who, it turns out, is an even bigger scumbag than he is! That about cover it?"_

_"…………and it's all your fault! Don't think I'm ever gonna get over that"._

_"Just..do me a favour, all right? Go away. I can't even look at you right now"._

_All the things she said _

_All the things she said _

_Running through my head_

_This is not enough.._

He stopped rocking and picked the bottle up and drank straight from it..his eyes staring faraway at a place only he could see..

_"I should've let your head explode when I had the chance"_

He winced a little at that particular memory..he was 5 seconds from meeting his maker. OK technically, Manticore made him..so that made his makers human…but hey why argue over something so trivial, right..

_I'm in serious shit, I feel totally lost_

_If I'm asking for help it's only because _

_Being with you has opened my eyes_

_Could I ever believe such a perfect surprise?_

_"Have you been briefed on your target, X5-494?"_

_"Yes, Sir"_

_"We've established a cover for you."_

_"Simon Lehane"_

_"Alec only outsmarts Alec. He doesn't know himself. Look. Outside, lots of pretty _

_colors. Tricks and treats. Inside, darkness. Confusion. Alec"_

Joshua always was the more perceptive one. How could he have known about something I couldn't even figure out. Big Fella doesn't get enough credit. Maybe I should just go to the big guy and lie down on his couch and just let it all out. Let the big guy help me figure it all out. I'll just get him some ham-hocks in lieu of payment. 

He took another healthy swig from the bottle.. his forehead puckering in a puzzled frown when nothing went in his mouth..he turned the bottle upside down – oh. Time to bring on the next candidate. He got up from the armchair and walked to the kitchen cabinet. He grabbed a bottle and went back to his seat.

_"Call me crazy, but I got the feeling you're in some kind of jam."_

_"..but if you're in some kind of trouble and need my help, then you should ask now and not wait until it's too late and everything's all messed up, like you usually do"._

_"You should have a name too."_

_"I told you, my designation's 494"_

_"Doesn't suit you. I'm gonna call you Alec"_

_"Alec?"_

_"As in smart-aleck"_

_"If you wanna be the hero, you can't be half-assed about it."_

He chuckled at that last memory. Yeah right Maxie. A hero. Some hero I turned out to be. A very flawed hero who can't ever do anything right in your eyes. Maybe coz I'm not wearing an exo like your-not-like-that boyfriend, Loggie boy. I had your back Maxie, and what did wonder boy do? 'Be careful Max' he did a perfect imitation of Logan's frog caught in his throat whisper. Just sits in front of his fucking computer doing his E.O crap.

_I keep asking myself, wondering how_

_I keep closing my eyes but I can't block you out_

_Wanna fly to a place where it's just you and me_

_Nobody else so we can be free_

"_Hey..listen if you ever want to talk..about anything..just consider the offer open"_

_"I killed him..he asked me to, so I did. And then I ran. I saved myself. And I just left his body there for them to take away."_

_"Max, I'm sorry"_

_"Be careful"_

_"Always"_

_"Hey Max. Thought I'd find you here"_

_"I come here to be alone"_

_"Yeah, I know, but considering everything that went down today, I figured we could both use a friend right now."_

_"So, you got any deep thoughts you want to share? Any, uh, profound realizations about life?"_

_"Yeah, love sucks"_

Yeah love sucked. Big time. Transgenic have the worst love lives ever. Here I am moping over Max who never gave me the time of day. When she finally did, I thought there was hope after all. And suddenly wonder boy pops in and ruins it all by finding the damn cure. If I ever thought I had a ghost of a chance – I know now that you'd never consider me. How stupid to even think otherwise.

_All the things she said_

_All the things she said_

_Running through my head_

"_Shut up! I came down here to bail your sorry ass out, 'cause I figured you got grabbed up off of one of your scams going sideways. But the officer just told me you killed somebody!"_

_"Why am I always the bad guy with you, Max?"_

_"...I'm sorry I let you out of Manticore. I'm sorry I inflicted you on the world."_

_"…but he's not someone you could..trust all the time, Especially now, when he's acting ..so weird"_

All the things she said 

_All the things she said_

_Running through my head _

_This is not enough_

_"You really think I could do it? Murder someone in cold blood?"_

_"Simon Lehane"_

_"Yes Alec. I think you could."_

_"Simon Lehane"_

_"Rachel!!!"_

_"I love you"_

_"...I'm sorry I let you out of Manticore. I'm sorry I inflicted you on the world."_

He threw the half-empty bottle at the wall and let out an angry roar "WHY!!!!???". He started sobbing into his hands. Trying to stop those painful memories of Rachel from rising. "Rachel..oh god I am so sorry..Max..I'm so sorry ..I need you, Max.."

And I'm all mixed up, feeling cornered and rushed 

_They say it's my fault but I want her so much_

_"You're not in charge of this mission, 494. Your job, and your only thought, is to follow our orders.. are you capable of doing that? . . . Because if for some reason we lost confidence in you.. .we'd have no need for you."_

_"Take him to solitary!"_

No, no, no make it all stop!! He moaned in pain..Max! Max! Where are you? You said you'd always be here if I ever needed you. I need you now..Max!! Rachel!!

Come in over my face, wash away all the shame 

_When they stop and stare – don't worry me_

_'Cause I'm feeling for her what she's feeling for me_

_I can try to pretend, I can try to forget_

_But it's driving me mad, going out of my head_

_"..but you did what you had to do. Then you tried to forget. And when you couldn't forget, they had ways of making you not care.."_

_"I'm sorry"_

_"I don't want your pity. I want your absence"_

_"I'll leave you alone"_

Don't go Max!! The voice in his head screamed, begged. Don't leave me alone. Come back Max!! His hands clawing at nothing. I love you, Max!! Come back!! 

Mother looking at me 

_Tell me what do you see? _

_Yes I've lost my mind_

_Daddy looking at me_

_Will I ever be free?_

_Have I crossed the line.._

* * *

O.C's apartment 

"Hey Boo..what'cha looking at out there?" she called out to Max who was staring out the window from the time OC walked through the front door 2 hours ago.

"..nothing. Just thinking about tomorrow. About how my life is falling into place now."

OC stood beside Max at the window, "You should get some sleep, Boo. Or you're gonna look like something the cat dragged."

Max smiled a forlorn smile at her best friend. She'd never thought that she, Max Guevara, X5-452 would have something so normal as a best friend. I guess someone up there likes me.

" Yeah..I'll be in a minute..Have you..have you heard from..Alec?"

The question came out in a mumble as if she didn't want OC to know just how much she wanted to hear about any news on Alec.

"Yeah..I spoke to Pretty Boy yesterday. He'll be here tomorrow. Don't worry Boo, he's a'rite. I think he's had time to think things through ..so don't worry your pretty lil' ass over it, 'kay? Now go get some sleep before Original Cindy lay the smackdown on your transgenic butt"

"You go on..I just wanna take in the view one more time from this place, before I start my new life as Mrs. Logan Cale." Max said pushing her friend towards her bed.

Max sighed again and looked out the window. 

Mrs. Logan Cale. It's what I've wanted all along..then..why do I feel so wrong in here. Mrs. Logan Cale. Max Cale. Max Guevara Cale..Mrs. Max Mcdowell..Mrs. Alec Mcdowell..

The reflection in the window shed a tear…

Oh Alec, I am so sorry..

The dark-head bowed in the universal posture of someone who has suffered a great loss. And couldn't do anything to stop it.

The end 

A/N : This is my first fanfic. I started out meaning to write something and I ended up writing something else..sigh.. I always do this..sigh..'nyway read and review please.. if it's good say so if it's not, tell me where I went wrong


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